His first birthday was very hard and I wasn't sure I was going to celebrate it... yes, I was still dealing with my emotions and the future was too overwhelming. But my dear mom, sensing my need to be encouraged and supported, brought a party to our home and we celebrated and took pictures and it looks right. But I was not right in my heart. But that was 28 years ago and I have come a long way.
This year I am celebrating Tim's accomplishments and his contentment with his life, as well as my personal feelings of having done what I can for him in the past year. Just doing the next right thing still rings in my head.
But I want to share some things that have gotten me through the years and they are words from God. Yes, I am a Christian, which means I am a follower of Christ. I have been forgiven by Him and strive to walk with Him each day and as the song goes, "He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own..."
I was 26 when God blessed us with Tim. I felt like life was going according to the plan: I follow God and He blesses me and life is easy. That plan came crashing down when Tim was born. I cried out to my Lord with "Why?", "Why now?", "Why me?" and most importantly, "What now?" So here are some of the words that God used to heal my heart, strengthen me to go on and given me hope. I hope they encourage you as well.
The why questions made me ask myself if I had brought this upon myself because of sin in my life. God answered me with Matthew 5:45 "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven; for He maketh His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." What I heard God tell me was that bad/hard things happen to everyone and He is not so concerned as to what happens to us but how we handle what comes into our lives. So I was not being punished or picked out for a harder life but it happens like rain falling everywhere. I felt God telling me to take His hand and He would continue to walk me through life and show me the way to raise a son with special needs.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 also encouraged me: "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. " I have a note in my Bible from February 17,1991 from a sermon by Pastor Gary Crotwell. I wrote, "We ask God why; God says trust Me."
I had verses already for my children that encouraged me, like Psalms 144:12 "Let our sons in their youth be as grown-up plants, and our daughters as corner pillars fashioned as for a palace." I wanted my children to be mature and confident to handle themselves before anyone, even kings. Proverbs 20:11 "It is by his deeds that a lad distinguishes himself." I wanted all my children to be kind, loving and respectful of others even more than I wanted them to be smart.
When Tim joined the family I found people staring at us. It was hard. Would they always stare? Would I quit noticing? Well, 29 years later I can say that they have not quit staring but now I can smile back at them, confident in who I am and who my son is!
The next questions as to what is next was also answered to me with words from God's Word that would seem to jump off the page and into my heart as if they were there only for me! Proverbs 29:17+18 "Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; he will also delight your soul. Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, but happy is he who keeps the law." There were no verses for how to raise challenged children so I decided to try and raise him like my other children; correcting and spanking and not letting him get away with things just because he was handicapped. My other two children really helped with that as they would tattle on Tim and remind me, "You don't let us do that." And even when they were older they would remind me to not let Tim get away with things just because he has Down Syndrome. It was hard, as often I would want to let things slide or I would catch myself feeling sorry for him or myself. On this his 29th birthday I am glad we corrected our son as he does delight my soul. :-)
Then verses came to encourage me to be strong and stand up for Tim's rights and needs as an advocate. Proverbs 31:8-9, "Open your mouth for the dumb, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy." The Lord showed me He cares for all the disabled and it was and is right for me to help and defend and seek the best for Tim and others as an advocate. Psalms 149:4, "For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation." God takes pleasure in Timothy and all disabled people and He beautifies them to others.
There is one more section of God's Word that I want to mention. There are many more but maybe this is not relevant to you so I will share one more and stop. Exodus 4:10-12 talks of disabilities and God's ability to help us. The Lord helps me be a mother to Tim when I thought I was not qualified; He also helps Tim learn in his spirit even when it doesn't look like he is learning on the outside... this is a whole topic in itself but not for today. Moses cries out to God that he is slow of speech and slow of tongue and God assures him that He will be with Moses and teach him. I have asked God many a time, even in recent times to teach me and to teach Tim.
Over the years my Heavenly Father still talks to me and encourages me. Going back over these to share with you has also been good for my soul. All of this to say that birthdays are times to give thanks and ask God for direction in each coming year.
My sister, who has loved Tim so much from his birth, took him to a movie and they invited me to join them. We watched Soul Surfer, the inspiring true story of Bethany Hamilton. Tracy picked this movie for Tim as it is so encouraging to keep going when life gets tough. I look forward to discussing it with Tim to see what he might have gotten out of it. But I was encouraged to keep being his mother: loving him, correcting him and helping him reach his goals with dignity and honor. Happy birthday to my wonderful son!
